Yes !! You read that right in the heading. I am disappointed. In fact if I really need to express the severity of my current situation then I am extremely disappointed. And I don’t want to put the blame for it on anyone else. Possibly because I don’t feel the need to do so. I am sufficient for myself to make me feel bad. Now before you begin to judge that this post is about some negative bastard who is on the verge of going into depression and you rather prefer switching back to your favorite social media sites (which is not less negative anyway); just hold on for a while. Because I really need to make this confession to all of you and want to say it again and again. I am very disappointed with myself today.
I am sure you must be wondering in your heads “Yes Man! We get it. Come straight to the point.” The point is that I did something today again that I promised to myself long time back of not repeating in future. I have always tried to be aware of my limitations and shortcomings. So every time I realize that I am doing something or saying something that might be destructive in nature for either myself or the people around me, I take a note of it and promise to myself to be more evolved in that particular aspect so that I don’t land up in that situation again. I mostly don’t like taking feedbacks from others so I rather do a lot of brainstorming activities to analyze it myself that in what ways I can work upon myself and be a better and evolved person tomorrow. So there was this thing I felt I am not good at after an instance that happened to me a while back and therefore I felt the need to improve on it. I tried identifying different methods regarding how I can work upon it. While working on this exercise for some time, I started to feel that I am pretty confident now and would be able to deal with a similar situation, if it happens again, in a more mature manner. Today there was a similar situation again right in front of me but my response to it was not something I have been preparing for so long. In fact it was pretty much similar to how a child who prepares well for his homework but completely messes it up during the exams. I responded in exactly the similar manner like earlier and here was I realizing that all my efforts went in vain or my preparation to work on it was certainly not good enough.
But my true reason for being disappointed was that the imperfection that I have identified in me long time back continue to exist and I need to work on it even more to make it perfect. Now its true that life of a human is such that it is filled with millions of moments of imperfections. But as soon as someone comes across such a moment, there are always two options that are in front of him. Either he can identify it as a problem and work to improve it or he can consider it to be a part of his personality and rather neglect it for any further review. We meet new people every single day and each of them is forming an impression of us on every single meeting that takes place. Sometimes the people to whom we are close to do help us in identifying and putting forward a certain aspect of our behavior that we need to change. But we rather prefer choose our ego ahead of everything and neglect those suggestions at their face. The main issue here is that we are too scared to witness our own shortcomings and imperfections. So the impression that we want to outlay to the world could be that we are adjusting with our imperfections but rather we are suppressing those so that they do not get disclosed to the outside world. Possibly we are losing out on the opportunity of being self aware. We are avoiding to be in a situation of being disappointed with ourselves.
Now as the time is progressing, my disappointment continues to stay with me but there is a sense of positivity that fences around it. The fact that I have been able to identify my weakness and my commitment to turn things around is definitely leaving a proud moment for me. I may have failed in my first attempt to polish it up but that won’t stop me from making another shot at it. There is a sense of satisfaction within me because I am giving myself an opportunity to be a more evolved person tomorrow and become a better version of myself in the future. There is common saying to be proud of yourself and who you are but I chose to be disappointed with myself so that I can allow myself to feel even more proud tomorrow by being a better man. Summing it all up, I am disappointed but I am happy accepting this fact. Almost ironical that the words ‘disappointed’ and ‘happy’ are appearing in the same sentence.